This is supposed to be a joyous occasion where the CG has decided to celebrate my birthday in advance for me. I could not bring myself to smile...there was this absolute sadness and heaviness in my heart. Then I realised....someone is not there.
I really miss this someone. Nope "someone" din pick up my calls nor did "someone" respond to my sms. Did something happen to "someone"? I have not seen this person for quite a period of time already. Frustration? Tiredness? Disappointment seemed to creep back up cos this person is not here.
I know this is immediately a threat to sink and dwell into the emotional rollercoaster ride again. I told God then, "Lord, would You instill in me this renewed joy in You once again!"
It is a reflective time for me...i realised that now with every birthday, i seemed to weigh the things that had happened the past year and really feel myself joining into my own pity party. Yes, it's a tough year with many things happening, but the Lord has shown me through!! In and outta of jobs, days of "poverty" and spiritual dryness, days of emotions overun! It's over, at every stage, i fall, pick up mu pieces, and reform them into a totally new me when i start off. Then I realise, that my heart is slowly being "deformed". Patches of your heart "sewn" back would not really fit well you see, and often threaten to burst at the seams where t is the weakest.
Would I want to present a dented heart when I finally meet God? or when I finally meet the person of my dreams?(haha...)
I pulled myself up. My sheep Zhuzhu has painstakingly planned to make this happy for me. Really should appreciate what people has done instead of feeling so bad.
Reached Sentosa, and who did i think I would see but YONGHAN!! ahhhh! This guy is one of my good "kopi" buddies in NTU! Known this guy for a good 6 years la, very comfy with him, something like a "jie mei" version of a guy! Zhuzhu was so sweet to plan his secret appearance! Really miss this buddy. Me, Zhuzhu and him had so much to catch up. He's now based in the Philippines and a frequent flyer. Could see how work has changed one's perspectives and life aspirations.I sense a lot of emptiness, a lot of fear of being lonely, left to fend on his own.
But it's amazing although Zhu and me were shocked at what he told us about what happened to him in the last few months, somehow deep in my heart, I told myself I would pray for him. His emptiness, I am very certain would be filled by God alone. I would not judge him like that but knows he really needs God too! Somehow, you would have this deeper desire for your close friends to come to know God too after you really have tested what the good the Lord had done to those who really earnestly seek after Him! I guess being a child of God has really gave a whole new meaning to me towards life.
When I realised that, my own feelings of sadness seemed to melt away and focus unto God once again! There was this purpose and calming down of the heart that the Lord has given me, along with STRENGTHENIING. Yes, I may seem to get in and out of this stance, struggling, falling, and the picking up of myself is all so difficult. I realise that I need to just hold on to God and fall in love with Him all over with Him again.
Read this the other day, my face could not stop smiling at how much love God has poured into my heart again.
"When I said, "My foot is slipping," Your LOVE, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."
~Psalm 94:18-19
The rest of the afternoon was fun spent playing frisbee and we went to try the Luge Ride, which was this chairlift thing and a "go Kart" kind of ride where you sit on one "sled" and slide down very fast down the slopes and curves.
I tell you all, I have a TERRIBLE fear of heights, that tears started streaming down my eyes!!!! The chairlift was only as high above the trees but i gripped my toes so tightly to prevent my sandals from falling out. I was scared stiff, much to Yonghan's amusement!!
Dinner was spent at Coffee Club, where more people actually came down even though they were really tired out and sick, Mr D, Shi Ming, Joe...:) *touched* *touched*
Thank you all from NG6 B! Really appreciate all the things that you all have done for me! do forgive me if I am a bit stunned or not responding! Really deeply glad to be part of this group together with you all! Let's grow stronger in the Lord together! Love ya all lots!
:)
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