Well...forgive me all the brothers who are reading this posting! Call me a silly sister or plain jealous all you want...I AM going to illustrate to you how two sisters in a same situation or same place can be treated VERY DIFFERENTLY. For comparisons please refer to ZZ's blog.
Situation 1
ZZ mentioned about Bro TL and Bro TJ helping her hold the handle bars of the bike while she cycled with their help a few hundred meters and yes she feels blessed. Big O me tried to hold her handles also while she tried to cycle, me "kei kiang" weight of the bike too heavy for Big O me, the bike leaned towards me...scratched my legs actually by the bike....and guess what? No one knows...
Situation 2
Same place - East Coast Park
Big O me tried to ask Bro TL and Bro TJ how they travel pillion on the bicycle a la "Tian2 Mi4 Mi4" with Leon Lai and Maggie Cheung. Bro TL and Bro TJ took a long time of persuasion before they could show me how they travelled in a bike tog...Bro TL was not very encouraging when Big O me tried to carry ZZ the same way on the bike...I pushed the bike off with her, its a bit heavy for me..too heavy nearly lost balance and fell off, told Bro TL and ZZ, "I can do it one, let's try again!" Bro TL,"Yeah right you can do it one" very condescending. Big O me refused to give up, tried again...survived and managed to cycle with ZZ sitting in front of me in one bike about a hundred meters with much effort.
Situation 3
At Adele's house, Bro TJ giving out sweet pink looking marzipan cupcakes that had pearls on them, of course its actually decorations on the little cupcake. Big O me was curious and asked Bro TJ," Wah! Looks like decorations ah, jia3 de4(*fake one) ah?" Bro TJ raised his voice at me, "Of course can eat one la!"
Conclusion:
You can be in the same group and same situation, receiving the same thing from the same person...but the degree and level of treatment? Very different.
Of course I dun deny the times when they can be really sweet and gentle when talking to me...but I really can count the times. They can be very sweet to me helping me to carry things for me, but when I compare the way they are so gentle to other sisters and so different towards me, I feel a bit sad sometimes...
Is it me? The way I relate to people, guys in general? Why am I always being treated like that?
渴望有人对我温柔的女生。。。
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5 comments:
Unconditional love - Christ
Judgmental love - Humans
We are all working towards the former type of love by the Holy Spirit. Not everyone can change immediately; not everyone can love everyone just the same. Even for yourself, I believe you will love a certain constellation of guys/gals more than others.
Comparisons induce resentment, jealousy and even wrong actions.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, 'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'
'It keeps no record of wrongs.' You may think that some people are not sensitive towards you when compared to other sisters. Nonetheless, it could be also due to the diversity in character. I have no right to judge who's better or etc... only God knows.
Your ZZ and you are diverse in terms of character... I believe you know better than me :) But if you wanna know, we can always go for coffee... your place is not far from mine yeah... we can ask Xiaomei along :)
Situation X
Supposed a person A has the aptitudes/personalities to handle a certain situation. On the contrary, person B does not have any knowledge about it, neither does B have the abilities to face it. Now both face the same circumstance... and person C (a helper, supposed he/she knows both A and B personally) comes along, do you think C will guide A or B more? Do you think A or B will be shown more concern?
It's easy for us to fall into temptations (comparisons) and sin - anger, resentment, jealousy, etc... I do too... but sometimes I know when it is wrong; sometimes I know after reflections... because Holy Spirit will come and convict in my heart. Then as what Poy shared before, this conviction doesn't go as it comes easily. It stays there and makes you burdened.
As God is at work at all times, so does the devil. If we're not careful, we will fall unto his trap. It's easy to 'unchain' our emotions but rather difficult to chain our motives.
No worries k?
halo. sister.
I agree with wilson that we are not perfect in relating with all peoples, as "personal preferences" will come in as a factor in interaction. I am not saying this is "ok" or "right", i think it is inevitable. glad that you talk about this. to the brother around you, including me, it only serve as a reminder to be sensitive toward others in our interaction.
from my point of view, it could be just natural way of interaction, which maybe "established" long ago from the first day we know each other personality and character...
well... every year the company talk about appraisal and reviewing... perhap now it is another time for all the brother review thru this issue as well...
another thing is, maybe just not to do such comparison, it is unhealthy to the soul.
when i face such situation (now u know not only gal face such issue, guy also kena different treatment in the same situation & same sister/gal), I dont' put it into heart, just understand we are all different, and people also react different under different situation with different person...
Dear Shepherd, don't compare yourself with me. As what Wil and YC said, we are two very different person. I am the weak and dependent person while you are strong and capable person. Hey! I can be blown away when a strong wind blows over but you can catch hold of me leh.
Its unhealty to the soul and to friendships too. You know what I mean. The friendship between you and me.
Dear Bros out there, you have heard Rac's injustice and remembered what Pastor Jeff said? "Be chivalrous" Pls treat all sisters equally. Let Zhu Zhu learn to be independent herself too.
I have to say this...Chivalry does not restrict to how long you know that person or what impression you formed of that person.
I agree with Wils on Judgmental love and unconditional love and how comparisons bring about jealousy. But the purpose of the posting if you all have read is tongue in cheek.
I have guys who known me for years, served very closely with me in church, some are not from our church, what's the difference? Do i relate to them differently? No.
They are very gentlemanly with me, They know how I am during serving God, crunch times, the bad tempers, my character and ya da ya da...they are very ..yes chivalrous. This goes beyond the normal helping you carry bag and ya da ya da surface things. They treat me like a lady.
You feel appreciated and loved.The care and concern I felt was very heartfelt.
Now tell me ladies and gentlemen, I know differentiated treatment still exists between us even for myself cos we are not perfect. I am just voicing out the immediate STARK CONTRAST. you know what i mean?
There you have one person feeling very good and the other supposedly "suffer in silence" are we so insensitive to the others around us also? This is something I want to point out.
God's love is unconditional, Human love is not.I have to say this it is hard not to fall into temptation when you have such stark contrast between how the people outside the group treat us and how people around us treat us.
Jia you! Let's move towards more sensitivity to each others feelings and needs.
hmmm… my turn to say something. I think both TL and TJ didn’t mean what they said/did in the way you had interpret it. TJ relates to different people differently. Just like I cannot expect you to relate to everyone the way you relate to ZZ or how one relates to his friends the way he relates to his spouse. We each have our own personal and unique way of interacting with different people such that we feel more comfortable and affectionate. TJ is not one who is able to relate universally to everyone with a standard holy protocol like others can. Probably you can attribute that to difference in love, personality, identity or even EQ. Add to that, we have our own lapses whereby we sometimes do/say things that we don’t really mean it or displayed otherwise. So this whole rojak of things no doubt will cause differentiated treatment and certain misunderstandings. To certain people we have certain expectations of communication patterns and if what we receive is inconsistent to our expectations, its best to talk it out, which TJ is glad you did :) open communication - it should be the foundation of all healthy and growing relationships, which TJ still learning to grasp…
Actually, TJ didn’t realize that his voice was raised and also didn’t mean it. My apologies. It came to him more of a shock/surprise that one would consider the cupcakes as fakes, thus the sudden change in tone. If memory serves him well, the tone and volume that you received was the same tone and volume that TJ delivered the reply to ZZ, who also had the same query about the cupcakes as you. He can be loud at times as you should have realized by now. Tongue in cheek or not, it good that we know what’s lacking in us so that we can ask God to change us to be more Christ-like. Probably Holy Spirit needs to work OT to convict us more and make the gradual transformation more noticeable. Be patient. It is happening in us…
And ah… I think the word ‘chivalrous’ should not be abused too much. nah… kidding… ;p
Last but not least, learn to let go certain things else ren2 bi3 ren2 qi4 si3 ren2. You can probably say that’s a defeatist phrase but who says we must win every time. So what if we win? :)
Ok. Time to go level up sensitivity to others… Gambatte!!!
JU is I, I is TJ.
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