He will wipe away every tear from your eye...

Thurs 31st Jan 2008

Took a break off clearing of "condos" of worksheets and compositions to post this.
This has got to be a very difficult day in my stint at a teacher. My class just got crazier to handle. It started off way in the morning while I was taking the pupils to the science Lab. There you have Boy J spitting at Boy B who promptly hit him with a pencil case and Boy F did a ala "Chun Li" kick at the boy J on the floor.

It happened so fast. If you ask me its really gangsterism at its worst. I have such a hard time controlling this class that everyday, I am so besot with anger that my soul hurts. I pray and fast for this class every single day and sometimes, I am really drained. Chasing after homework, consent forms, calling parents who do not seem to care...Its tough when you have a huge number of pupils with behavioural and academic problems all in one class. I have to constantly call the DM to come in to help.

I have a huge headache. Lessons are behind time cos everyday I have been spending time scolding the children and lecturing them for at least one, two periods everyday. This is really another blow to the soul. I told the Lord, please don't quench my zeal for teaching so early in my career. This is my calling, I firmly believe that I heard it from You 3 years ago. Thank God for the girls in the class who are sweet and really my saving grace.

I broke down and cried after remedial lessons at 3pm today. I cannot take it already. 8-9 boys disappeared during their lunch break and went to cycle on the main road out of the school. They arrived so late when the class had already started 30 mins and demanded still to be released early. I was so hopping mad that I screamed at the kids. Very hurt already. This is really more hurting to the soul then it has on the kids. I told myself, should I just focus on the kids who really want to learn? My heart was really torn....

Teared all the way to the staff room..Thank God for Deb who lent a listening ear to my woes. She being the form teacher of that class when they were in P3. Went to hug her for comfort...She understood how exactly I felt. We teachers face very strict scrutiny by the school and we certainly do not want the label of being "unable to control class" or "unable to produce results" being slapped on our backs. Was so stressed already with all the portfolio given to me this year.

Thank God for you sending a good friend like KX too in my life. Cannot imagine starting off this teaching career as a full fledged teacher without someone like him. You ask yourself why you need friends...sometimes its not what they say that we have friends just because they are just there to help you, you need friends as mutual support, as motivators, as "road checks" on the blind spots in your path and really offer spiritual covering in your race in life. Its a job full of hard knocks. KX really is one awesome guy like that, really comforting me when I am down. Thank God for you!! :D Who says we need to fight the race alone? God is with us! God the ulimate source of Comfort!

Then I begin to wonder myself, why did I cry? Was it this pride issue that was in me that caused me to unable to surrender this part to God? You see, I always portray myself as very independent and in control. When stuff happens, and this is one tough situation, I really cannot handle and start to yield under pressure. I thank God for this experience too that taught me to hang on more to God for my dear life.

The race is not easy. I still love children, I still want to see hope in those I can make an impact on. Not yet Lord, Not throwing in the towel yet...